Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

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Green Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Strongbad on Fri May 02, 2008 8:38 pm

here you should post the most random stories that you can think up/find. here is mine!





<-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><->





The daily 6:30 am car bomb blew up with a pair of thunderous roars. The first one was the demolition charge for removing pesky obstacles like walls, trees, guards and tank traps. The second one was the car, driven at several tens of miles per hour, smashing the walls of Bob's palace and destroying itself, the wing of the palace and the sleeping Bob and Susan. Their clones reappeared in the shattered courtyard.

"(Honk!) those (blank)ing Muppets!" yelled the ruler of Poppy Street City in psychotic rage, grabbing a chunk of masonry and ripping it to pieces. "I've had it! The first time, yeah, maybe it's funny! The second time it's not so great! But ten whole days in a row? Gnarl!" He jumped up and down.

"One would think they were trying to get your goat," said Susan mildly, walking towards an undamaged tree dressed in her slinky black leather negligee. Bob, his tantrum more or less abated for the moment, stomped after her. They stopped by the broken body of a guard killed by the blast. A bird twittered in a tree as the sun's first rays transformed the leaves into gold. As the twittering continued, Susan picked up the ex-guard's submachine-gun and sprayed the crown of the tree with lead. Two bullet-ridden Muppets fell out, gushing gore.

"I'd forgotten that the birds had left," remarked Bob, directing a kick at a body with his slipper. There was a groan and a third Muppet fell from a branch onto him, who staggered and shrugged him off.

"How do you keep getting past our defenses?" purred Susan.

"You'll--glurp--never find out from me," gasped the creature. His eyes glazed over and she gouged them out with her razor-sharp fingernails in annoyance.

"I wish we had something to do," she sighed, licking her fingertips.

In the forest on the same island some 80 miles north was the little Snuff village. Actually it wasn't totally the Snuffs' because the Shorties had moved in, now that they had found them. The Shorties were female types who had pungent body odours that resembled their names and who lusted after anything male. The Snuffs were male, save for Snuffette who had laid her claim to Clumsy, and had been avoiding the Shorties for some time until a chance meeting with a gang of Foods a little while ago.

The Foods had left again for the mainland after a bizarre series of incidents involving them, several officers from the U.S.S. (Uninterrupted Sustained Snoring) Improvise, Gargamel's spells and the Poppy Street Olympics. The Snuffs, Poppy Streeters and Shorties were bored, for their normal routines had been thrown out of whack.

"I hate boredom!" snapped Grouchy Snuff, throwing a hand grenade through Vanity's open window. There was a loud explosion and chunks of blue meat shot through the window.

"Grouchy, you didn't have to do that," scolded Papa Snuff, rounding a corner and wagging a finger.

"Papa, you come back here!" It was Strawberry Shortcake, who wanted him for entertainment purposes. The Snuff hurried on.

"I just remembered I have to go get some magic berries," he muttered. Meanwhile, not too far away in the forest, Gargamel and his cat Asriel had managed to escape from his house and the clutches of the voracious Sour Grapes and were making themselves scarce. Gargamel was an evil, two-bit wizard whose spells were not altogether reliable. Sour Grapes was the former quasi-ruler of the Shortie tribe, had a figure that wowed everybody except Gargamel and was a sorceress to boot. Her spells were little better than his. In fact, all magic on the island of Poppy Street was suspect even at the best of times.

Gargamel certainly wasn't bored. Apart from the lusting of Sour Grapes, which always kept him on his toes (and back), he had yesterday received a tight-beam radio message from Poppy Street City. Apparently Gordon and some of his henchmen had formed an alliance with a group of Muppets, all intent on the usual ideal of overthrowing Bob. It was they who had been planting the car bombs.

"Everybody here in Poppy Street is bored," Gordon had said. "Life has ground to a halt; that is, everyone is working and nobody is fighting. Dictator-For-Life Bob had been watching the news yesterday and one of the things featured was something called a "Survival Game" which the Foods have been playing. It involves shooting opponents with paint-pellet guns and trying to steal a flag from the opposite team."

"I'll bet Bob was very interested," Gargamel had replied.

"You should have seen him," Gordon had chortled. "He was drooling with anticipation thinking of ways to massacre the Muppets. But what I was wondering was if you could get the Snuffs and Shorties to join us. They really hit it off with the Muppets a while ago when we had the Poppy Street Olympics and I thought we could all join up and kill him."

"Sure!" Gargamel had said. "I'll leak the news to them in the usual way and they'll probably magic their way over. Maybe that will stop their infernal partying!" Gargamel hated the Snuffs virulently, the way some people hated spiders, small multi-legged insects or Knock-knock jokes.

Now that he was out of the house, he decided to act on his news dissemination plan. He and Asriel ambled aimlessly but quietly along the forest paths looking for Snuffs to capture. Sure enough, down by a Snuffberry patch, he found some.

"Greedy Snuff, why are you such a pig?" It was Brainy Snuff, going into lecture mode in his loud, nasal voice. Gargamel made a note not to catch him because the other Snuffs probably wouldn't bother to rescue him. "All the Snuffberries you could eat in an hour could feed three Snuffs for two days! It's a real surprise to me that you aren't fat! You know what Papa Snuff says about fat--" He was cut off by Poet Snuff idly stabbing him in the back with his hunting knife and ripping out his kidneys. Brainy died protesting.
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Strongbad on Fri May 02, 2008 8:43 pm

continued...

"This is rather boring," yawned Dreamy, kicking Lazy into a semblance of wakefulness. "I wish some thing would happen around here." Gargamel was not one to resist a straight line.
"RRRAAAAHHHHRRR!!" he yelled in a blood-chilling howl as he and the cat leaped from the bushes and pounced on the four, foot-high blue creatures garbed in white caps and pant-shoes. They panicked as usual and ran every which way, but Gargamel scooped up Dreamy, stuffed him in his pocket and ran off to his hovel.
"Papa Snuff! Papa Snuff!" shouted Lazy, Poet and Greedy as they raced into the village. "Gargamel grabbed Dreamy!" Papa stuck his head out the window of his lab, the sash of which promptly and heavily fell, severing his neck. The clone popped up a few feet away, cursing foully.
"I wish I hadn't bought those windows from that Gil U. Tine fellow in Poppy Street," Papa glowered.
"What do you mean Dreamy's been captured?" demanded Raspberry Tart, the Shortie who shared his living quarters.
"He ambushed us near a Snuffberry bush and took him away," babbled Greedy, eating a flower box in excitement. "Now we have to get him!" He rushed off to tell the others and to arm himself. Soon the entire expeditionary force of 99 Snuffs and 98 Shorties was marching to the rescue.
"Here they come already!" giggled Gargamel gleefully. He was anticipating watching the Survival Game and all its subsequent bloodletting he knew was inevitable on his TV. He had locked Dreamy in a cage lined with fake newspapers that he'd conjured up. They had headlines like "Bob to Battle Boredom by Bringing Big Blast!" and "Dictator Challenges Muppets to Survival Game!" The Snuff, the wizard noticed, was reading the stories avidly.
"What are you up to now, Gargamel?" asked Sour Grapes, who had been recently satiated.
"You, my dear, are about to witness a Snuff punitive raid." She could have sworn he'd said this gleefully. "Help me set up the defenses." He dug out a battered spell book and tossed it to her. "See what you can find in there." He grabbed another and they began chanting spells for a defensive perimeter, automatic mortars and howitzers and land mines outside the perimeter, which was a bright yellow line in a circle 330 yards from the castle.
When the Snuffs and Shorties began blowing up, they realized that they had been spotted.
"Spread out, surround the castle and attack!" shouted Papa from the rear, where he was hastily writing a will. Strawberry Shortcake caught him at it and ripped it up. He cringed.
"Git!" she suggested, booting him ahead. They broke into the clearing where the house was and spotted Gargamel and Sour Grapes setting up the artillery.
Upon being spotted, they waved their arms and chanted the start-up spells and the battle began. The 22 automatic howitzers and 13 automatic mortars fired 135-mm shells and 3-inch bombs respectively every two seconds in random patterns. These caused the Snuffs and Shorties considerable difficulties because they kept getting blown up by the shells before they could set up their own artillery. If by chance the clones appeared on the wrong side of the perimeter, they were promptly atomized with fearsome blasts into a noxious red vapour reminiscent of bromine. Everything and everyone was coated with a layer of gore half an inch thick which caused guns to explode if fired without being cleaned. The two humans were busy recording what they could with video cameras.
"Somebody do something!" shrieked Apricot in frustration after her twenty-fourth death and recloning. In response, Handy trod on a land mine nearby and was destroyed. All around her howitzer and mortar shells were exploding, dicing attackers, churning the earth into bloody muck and reducing visibility to ten feet due to red fog and black smoke. A fresh mortar appeared out of nowhere complete with ammunition, so she aimed in what she hoped was the right direction and began dropping the bombs in.
Hers was the first concentrated barrage the Snuffs and Shorties had gotten off for the whole half-hour of the attack. Fortunately for them, she lucked in and blew the targets up, though nobody could tell at first. With their loss, the spells expired, the guns vanished and so did the thunderous cacophony of destruction and disorganization. Once the air had cleared, the house was stormed, Dreamy was rescued and everyone pulled out.
"That was not very good," said Papa once they had returned to the village. "They won the battle 3500 to 2!"
"Well how in Snuff's name were we supposed to keep ourselves from getting blown up?" demanded Lemon Meringue.
"If you all had listened to Papa Snuff's orders instead of--" His unappreciative audience eviscerated Brainy and strangled him with his own intestines.
"Papa, my cage was lined with yesterday's "Poppy Street Slop" that talked about Bob challenging the Muppets to something called a "Survival Game". What is it?" Papa shrugged.
"We shouldn't get ourselves involved in Poppy Street affairs," he hesitated.
"If it's a Survival Game, there must be killing involved," said Hefty. "Sounds like fun."
"Remember all the fun we had the last time we were there?" wheedled Snuffette, tweaking Clumsy as he fell down.
"Not to mention the other times Gargamel has magicked them here," added Strawberry Shortcake.
"It will give us something better to do than put bombs in your lab," concluded Jokey. "Here Harmony, have a surprise!" He gave him a gaudily-wrapped present that blew up violently as soon as the ribbon was pulled.
"All right then," sighed Papa. "Clean yourselves up, grab some weapons and be here soon." There was a general stampede for the houses and back. As usual they had a wild variety of light to medium-heavy automatic and anti-tank weapons. Papa pulled out a small notebook in which he kept his more frequently used spells. "Gogo logo mogo dodo!" he recited, jumping up and down. "Poppy Street ahoy!" he added for clarification. They vanished in a cloud of cheap pixie dust and plastic fruit and reappeared with a bang in the middle of a large, ill-kept park, increased to normal human size. Unfortunately there was a Bob Security Police tank nearby.
"Run!" squealed Peach Delight as those with anti-tank weapons reflexively and accurately used them. Gargamel and Sour Grapes, snuggled in front of their several large-screen TV sets with bowls of popcorn and junk food, watched as the tank was destroyed and its occupants grilled alive. The alert Muppets spotted them as they barged into one of Susan's chain of El Cheapo grocery stores past the booby-traps and began eating everything edible.
"I take it that you heard of the Survival Game?" inquired Grover, a hairy blue creature with a big nose as they were hustled to a secret warehouse. Kermit the Frog quickly introduced them to the rest of the Muppet High Command. They also noticed a couple of TV cameras placed in front of Cookie Monster's desk.
"Bob is due to make an official broadcast about now," said Kermit, turning on a large-screen TV. A loud, brassy fanfare sounded, during which there was a long shot of the palace, followed by a shot of Bob's face superimposed on a crowd of cheering Muppets, Adults and "innocent" kids. Throughout the city, watchers of the program booed lustily. The shot had been taken after Bob had been forced to concede defeat in the Poppy Street Olympics when the palace had been captured and savagely defended and looted by the Muppets. Bob appeared, sitting at a desk.
"Fellow Poppy Streeters," he began, "and especially the great unwashed known as Muppets..." A smoke bomb was hurled through the picture window behind him and began doing its thing. Bob ignored it. "As you have doubtlessly heard through my leaky security system..." He glowered. The shot changed to and from a couple of bullet-ridden security guards. "They're sure leaky now! Haw-haw!" he added brutishly. His bearded face leered malevolently. A mysterious hand reached from the roiling smoke and ripped the fake beard off his face. He roared with rage and pain.
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by sparky12 on Fri May 02, 2008 10:10 pm

This should be in the stories section.

And yes, that was really random.
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dictator For Life on Fri May 02, 2008 10:51 pm

Moving to the stories section coming right up!

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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Strongbad on Wed May 07, 2008 3:02 am

can anyone top that? huh? did i hear an "over here!" or maybe a "You SUCK!!"? yeah, you really need to post relevant replies, such as *hint* randomestest stuff? *suffocated with surprise*
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dictator For Life on Tue May 13, 2008 8:41 pm

Uggggghhhh... I need a nap.

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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by sparky12 on Tue May 13, 2008 10:04 pm

Deal with it.
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dictator For Life on Tue May 13, 2008 10:11 pm

FINE! I WILL!

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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by sparky12 on Wed May 14, 2008 1:45 am

Someone needs to revive this section with more stories. Or I'll do it myself.
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Post by Dictator For Life on Wed May 14, 2008 4:59 am

Do it yourself. I'm too lazy.

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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Strongbad on Wed May 21, 2008 3:41 pm

please leann. carter throws temper-tantrums when he doesn't get his sleep, or when he's feeling too lazy. i found that out the hard way in the sleepover i had at his house a few weeks back. it all began when carter said he was starting to feel sleepy (at 6:00PM?!?). I didn't listen to him (bad choice!) and continued eating the extra crunchy extra-cheesy nibbles snack because I was hungry. well suddenly carter expierenced an instatanious uncontrollable epileptical seizure and started shaking violently. I thought I was dead meat. My view of Carter Morgan will never be the same.
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dictator For Life on Sun May 25, 2008 1:25 am

Ummmmmm... just for the record... I never slept with Erik...

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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dr. B on Wed May 28, 2008 10:31 pm

Thats not what erik said...
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by sparky12 on Wed May 28, 2008 10:34 pm

This is so wrong...
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dr. B on Sun Jun 01, 2008 1:31 am

Everything on this blog is wrong.
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by sparky12 on Thu Jun 05, 2008 10:22 pm

Agreed. And to think Spencer's site is less wrong. Weird, huh? Well, I guess that's because they have quality standards. Pssh.
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Post by Dr. B on Thu Jun 05, 2008 11:59 pm

Quality what? HAHAHA!!!!!
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dictator For Life on Sat Jun 07, 2008 8:22 pm

Yeah! HAHAHAHA!

I would just like to bring up Spencer's *ahem* "man dums"?!?!?!~!*#!

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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by sparky12 on Sun Jun 08, 2008 5:56 pm

Oh yes. The mandums.
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dictator For Life on Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:21 am

There his man dums and you can't have any!

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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dr. B on Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:33 pm

Why? Did you WANT some?
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dictator For Life on Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:17 pm

No. But scooby doo did.

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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dr. B on Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:45 am

Now that's just wrong.
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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dictator For Life on Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:56 am

I forgot that h0gue turns into scooby doo.

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Green Re: Post the MOST RANDOM Stories Ever Here!

Post by Dr. B on Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:06 pm

I didn't...
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